6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
the three branches of government
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020