Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
socratic questions
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.