I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m literally crying
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
They’re the worst 😩
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.