I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
#winning
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.