DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
accurate
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Good morning!