Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.