Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.