2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I bet birds love this building.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?