Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice