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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.