The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
screw you
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.