Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts