*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Venn
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*