Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
(Musicians.)
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce