I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A great tip. #CakeRex
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”