True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”