once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You Might Also Like
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock