me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.