I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I am patiently waiting for your email
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
CRYING
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?