Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.