You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*