Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them