In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.