My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
When your man makes a valid point
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no