HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni