Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.