casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Who chose this font
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges