For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.