Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever