Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.