I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.