European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Most fashion shows these days…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.