“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
#Caturday
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes