Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Body by sandwich.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano