Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My life in a nutshell
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.