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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.