Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You Might Also Like
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
man: wait
time: no
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon