You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon