[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Breaking news:
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk