That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.