ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Stop sending me this shit.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805