Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib