stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.