Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
welcome back
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again