the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.