sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.