Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m sure it’s fine.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Boy never ceases to amaze me