it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Every haunted house movie:
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler