Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Found the job I’m suited for
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.