intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
my fav colour is also hitler
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.